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The day that changed my life
I was staring at the TV like it was paying me money but all it was doing was sucking my soul, while the alcohol was taking my life. I was watching my kids playing in the middle of the floor while I was thinking “Is it 5 o’clock yet”? I wanted my next fix, to numb my pain, to not feel my feelings, my anger, my anxiety, the hate I had for myself. I wanted to suppress the SHAME of not making the most of my life, the self-loathing from all the mental beating I received from drugs and alcohol and negative self-talk from bad decision after bad decision.
I look back at my kids playing on the floor and then back at the TV and then in an instant my life flashed before my eyes and I saw my death. Dead at 40 (I’m 35 now) leaving my kids motherless and my spouse to figure it out on his own.
In that instant, I chose SOBRIETY, HEALTH, LOVE, and FAITH. I chose to make something of my bad decisions, I chose to turn all my stupid choices into learning moments for those that may not have an instant or an epiphany. I chose freedom for myself.
After getting sober I tried everything in my power to get my mind right. Exercising, yoga, meditation, praying faithfully, I even made a war room. Around my 3rd year sober things were not getting any better. I was crying nightly, feeling like I was being attacked from all sides.
I wasn't showing up for my kids. I was in constant fight or flight mode. Anxiety always at 100 and I just felt like my mind and body were at a total disconnect.
So against every thing I thought I new about me and my beliefs around medication and doctors I broke down and made an appointment to have some tests.
I had some emotional and mental tests done along with some blood work.
The emotional and mental tests came back with high anxiety, bi-polar or mood disorder, and ADHD.
I knew about the ADHD but not the bi-polar or mood disorder.
I reluctantly started meds. I journaled about everything while doing this and had therapy appts weekly.
After 3 months I started to feel normal. I mean whatever normal really is. But i didn't feel like chaos in a body sleeve all the time. I could focus on one thought, I could maintain a daily routine, and alot of the noise stopped completley.
It was aamzing and my life has now changed twice.
Don't be afraid to do what is right for you and don't be afraid of what soceity tells you to belive about anything. It's all bullshit anyways,
Follow your own path.
Create You Own Destiny
ANd make the best of each day.
And if you can throw some of your sparkle to the world.
My sparkle is my designs. It brings me joy to create them and it brings the people who purchase them as well and there is nothing better than bringing joy and a smile to someone elses life.
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